Meeting your Match

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...find me a find, catch me a catch."

Is that what singles are looking for? A catch? A find?

A woman once came to Rebbitzen Esther Jungreis, looking to meet 'the one'. When asked what she was looking for, she answered, "Well, you know Rebbitzen, I'm looking for the big 7. Money, brains, beauty, athletic, a sense of humor, talented, and adventurous." (Or something like that.)

The Rebbitzen responded that her big 7 all equaled 0 if not paired with a good heart. Because that should be number one. Without a good heart, one can't possibly be a good husband or wife, or even a good friend- which is what marriage should start off on.

So, meeting the right one can't be just a matter of finding the best find- like bragging about securing a place in an Ivy League college, a top yeshiva, or a top seminary. It has to be deeper than that- no matter whether or not a mother wants her child to marry a doctor. That doctor may have a prestigious job, but does that guarantee happiness?

When I met Mr. NMF, I was convinced he had a good heart. I had dated people before him, and none responded as kindly or as sensitively towards issues as he did. I saw in him a truly good person, which is something I desperately wanted in a marriage partner.

So search out that good heart- that Lev Tov- and I can almost guarentee you that you'll be happy with your true 'find'.

Speaking of Shidduchim- B4S, Shades of Grey, and FnF have gotten together to create a 'best of the shidduch blogosphere' offline. Feel free to browse through your favorite blogs and pick your favorites! Submit it here!

Newlywed Chronicles

I started this blog to document my life, in Israel, as a newly married girl. I'm not as newly married as when I started this blog, but in many ways I still feel like a newlywed. So, when I noticed in a Jewish magazine a new column about a newlywed's adventures, I felt a connection. But, when I started reading it, I realized that it wasn't really my type of chronicles at all.

She felt the need to poke fun at her Israel experience, at her life, and the general mishaps of it all. So, I guess, since I try to be mainly positive on this blog, my chronicles and her chronicles don't really mesh.

In addition, she sounded like she was writing from a perspective far away. As if she was married many years, but remembering what it was like to be a newlywed.

What's it like to be a newlywed?
It's exhilarating at first- just getting married, sheva brachos, and then starting your life. It begins with a ton of shopping, lots of quality time together, and a move into your own home. It allows a couple the pleasure of household chores together, meals with just the two of them, and a new lifestyle that each has to adopt.

Now, I have my first child, as I was blessed by Hashem to have NBD during my first year of marriage. So, life has changed a bit from then until now. I no longer have as much private time with my husband, and I have more responsibilities and more to do then I did then.

But, I wouldn't poke fun at my life. Things that happen, in my life, albeit as they may be funny, silly or sad, are not the type of thing I would like to ridicule a few years down the line. It may be a special time of life- almost a cliche time, but it doesn't deserve ridicule.

Oh, and for those who learn Hilchos Lashon Hara (as I do with Mr. NMF) one is not allowed to say anything bad about Israel. So, when describing life here, I do my best to not transgress that halacha. Those who write humor columns in magazines should try their best to do so as well.

Working in a Gemara

Well, I don't think I'm attending the Bloggers' Convention- NBD is home and not feeling well.
Frankly, neither am I, as she kept me up during the night.
Edit: Well, it seems I can attend it from home, at least! See you there!

I started this post on Friday, as it was most appropriate then. But, now is no less appropriate.

Mr. NMF learns in a kollel, which is wonderful for him, and for me. But sometimes, like on hectic Erev Shabboses, I'm highly tempted to break my unwritten rule, and call him, begging for an extra pair of hands.

The phone tempts me- wanting me to make that call, say I'm not coping. To say that we have guests coming, and half the food isn't done, NBD isn't bathed, the garbage is piling up, and the dishes have yet to be washed. The laundry isn't folded, the work isn't done, and NBD just wants to be held.

Sometimes I give in. I make the call. Sometimes Mr. NMF picks up, other times he doesn't.

Either way, the rational, thinking side of me surfaces somewhere in the conversation, and realizes: He's learning Torah. He shouldn't be disturbed. I can handle it. If it was a 'real' job, I wouldn't be able to call him home either. So why should I now? Torah is just as much a job.

And then I apologize for calling, hang up, and manage somehow. When he walks through the door, usually everything is under control. And, he helps a TON when he does come home, so really, I have nothing to complain about.

If it was a 'normal' job, 9-5, or 9-1 on Erev Shabbos, I wouldn't be able to disturb anyway. So how come my brain doesn't always register that when he's 'working' in a Gemara?

Torah is the best merchandise, it is said. And it's a job, and it is hard work. To become a serious Torah scholar, one has to put in effort, just like with any advanced degree. And that work should be, in my mind, no less important than any other work.

So, next time I have in mind to call up, I'll reread this post, and remember to tell NBD: "Nope, can't call. Tatty's learning in Kollel."

To Iron or Not To Iron

I may have made myself into a domesticate, at least in the fact that I can run a home, but there is one chore that I refuse to do. Ironing.

I detest it. It's one of those things that truly makes me feel like a homebody, who never did anything with her whole life, barefoot, and ironing in the kitchen. Talk about a stereotype.

Israelis are obsessive about their ironing. One of my friends has 5 irons, as each of her 13 children insist on having a perfectly starched and pressed shirt/skirt/pants every day, and she detests ironing almost as much as I do. She's of the opinion that if they want it badly enough, they'll do it themselves.

I've tried. I buy Mr. NMF no-iron-needed shirts, I try to hand wash and hang to dry, but the inevitable task of ironing sometimes comes up. If I was spoiled rotten, I would just send it to the cleaners to be pressed, but I don't have the money to spend so heedlessly.

When one gets married, sometimes household chores don't come easily. Cooking for a family, ironing, laundry for a family, dishes; they all fall into my hands. I don't mind, I was single enough that I did it all for myself for a long time. Just, there were chores then that I hated, and I still detest now.

I don't know how to get over my bad opinion of ironing. But, at least I'm not alone. Most of the women I know don't iron, or iron only when forced, and then in large bunches of 20 shirts at a time. It seems that if the shirts just keep on collecting, our guilty consciences will eventually encourage us to pick up that tool and start the torture.

Anyone else have chores they hate doing? How do you deal with it?

21 Reasons

B4S took me up on my challenge to create 21 real reasons why someone would want to get married. Here's the link. Enjoy!

Married and Single

Those are titles used to describe girls, and it represents nothing more or less than their marriageble status. Lately, starting with SD's post on why she loves being single, and culminating with Chanie's post on stereotypes, there has been comments on the differences between the singles and their counterparts. AK hit it on the head: there are even differences in the way the two talk.

I talk to my single friends about everything and anything. How college/grad school is going, how's their work doing, how's the state of the universe, the president, the world, what Obama and Netanyahu are talking about lately, the newest ideas, styles, and fashions.

And, truthfully, I can talk to my married friends about the same things. I even talk to the single ones about dating, marriage, and all that sort of stuff as well. It's hasn't been so long since I left that parsha, so therefore, I still feel like I have some clue of what's going on.

However, there are some things my single friends just can't understand. Like breastfeeding. I mean, come on- how many of my single friends have done that one! Or labor and childbirth. Or the reason I'm up at 4 am. Or vaccinations, child care, dealing with weight loss, working from home, and so on. So Aidel is right. We do talk about different things with different people.

Those singles who say, "Those married people. All they do is talk about their home and their kids. Why can't they be more interesting and talk about other things?"

Marrieds don't only talk about those interesting things- we do. We just have other things on our minds, stuff that the singles just can't relate to. (And frankly, that stuff is interesting too. Anyone who's single know how to cure a clogged milk duct, or what's its scientific cause? Didn't think so.)We've been in the single life, so that means we can talk about that. But singles haven't been in the married life (unless they are divorced)- so they can't talk about those other topics.

Rather than focusing on how married people only talk about being married, why can't the singles realize that they only talk about (or deal with) issues relating to singlehood?

End of Shana Rishona

It's the end of an era. That year that everyone talks about, is coming to an end. Today, in fact.

1. It's the year where your husband doesn't learn night seder (yeah right, Mr. NMF has been learning it since we got married, with my full permission)

2. It's the year where the husband is supposed to be M'sameach his wife- make his wife happy. (What, that doesn't apply any other year?!)

3. It's the year where both the husband and the wife are out of contact with the universe (nope, I can say I kept up with everyone who kept up with me :-) and then some.)

4. "Eh, newlywed, what do you know? How can you know anything when you're in Shana Rishona?"
That's all over now. (I'm still quite a newlywed, don't tell me otherwise. My neighbor tells me it applies for the next 5 years or so. And I still need tons of advice and help.)

It's the year where we had NBD- a major, and wonderful bracha that I thank G-d for every day.

It's the year of growth, of building a foundation.
A year of togetherness, of sharing a life, of working things out.

A year of coming to a greater understanding of one another.

It's shocking no? I can't even believe it myself. One year ago today, on Rosh Chodesh Nissan, I stood under a chuppah together with Mr. NMF, and got married according to the laws of Moshe and Israel. One year ago today, I danced like there was no tomorrow, and listened to my first Sheva Brachos. (How come we picked the only Rosh Chodesh that we had to fast on, huh?)

It's been a wonderful year filled with it's share of ups and downs. Let's see, we've been in 3 states for longer than a day, and about 10 or more for less than a day. We've been in 2 countries, several times. We've taken countless airplane flights, only some of which we made it on time to. (And, we've only had to pay overweight a few times :-D) We've lived in 3 different apartments. (Yes, that kitchen was a 2x4. I know. I measured it.)

We've celebrated 11 monthly anniversaries- some with a cake, some with a smile, some with a "What, that's today?"

So what have I gained from this year? I've gained immensely, somethings that I can't even articulate. So I won't right now, and save some of them for next year, iy"H!

So Happy Anniversary, Mr. NMF!! May we have many more together, until Meah V'Esrim- 120! (L'fachos- at least- right? :-D)

The NMF Syndrome

People tend to think that once one becomes that NMF- newly married friend- that person will lose all interest in anything she held dear before, and now has her head crammed with laundry, Shabbos, shopping, and homemaking.

It's like the brain stops working, the head turns off, oh- and did I mention the NMF forgets and neglects to call me!! How dare she!

Truthfully, I find NEFs (newly engaged friends) much harder to reach and get a hold of. Especially when they are wedding planning constantly.

But, as soon as one becomes an NMF- well then- the perspective seems to change. Not only does her brain not ignore the passions and dreams she had before- but she has those, plus all the new responsiblities.

Oh, and did we mention all the new things that come on to the scene? More bills, insurance, money managing, budgeting, household management, time management, childcare, and that wonderful significant other's feelings, emotions, and actions as well.

Add to that the whole 'leave the community you now live in and move to another community/city/state/country'- and you've got more in the NMF's head than ever.

Plus, those dreams and passions don't leave- they stay too. So you've got one very busy little brain working overtime.

And those who are not married criticize. Well, let them figure it out. I mean- when I wasn't married, I don't think I noticed the price of margarine, flour, or water. I mean, sure, I looked for a sale, and used coupons, but did I really think it made a difference- every cent?

When I wasn't married, dealing with household chores was easy. Don't have patience to make dinner- eat out. Didn't do laundry yet- it's okay, it can wait for next week. Oh, and that paper for school- I'll get to it, in my endless free time.

Somehow, becoming a NMF changes all that- you have to do all the stuff you did, plus more. (I'm not complaining, just trying to show how things change.) And, all the ideas you had- graduate school, business plans, job plans- they still have to happen (after all- you don't change, just your status) and you have to figure out how they fit in amidst all the NMF chores.

So single friends- don't think our heads are in the air, full of newlywedded bliss. We're solidly grounded. Possibly more than you. And, we have a lot more on our shoulders. So don't blame us for the stereotype. Wait till you get to that stage of life- and we'll see how you handle it. Then, you'll be calling us for advice, and regretting how you treated the NMFs.

Book Meme and Facts

Babysitter tagged me for a meme- and even though I'm not one to really do these type of things, I figured it was something for me to do tonight while Mr. NMF is out at a Chanukah Mesiba.

Thanks for the tag! (Oh, and I'm not tagging anyone- because all those who I might have tagged were tagged by others already. Sorry!)

I really actually liked the idea of this meme, because I love to read. (I read so quickly though, that it doesn't even pay for me to buy books anymore- I finish them before I get home.) (I think that and blogging go hand in hand- if you like to read, you usually also like to write, and so the saga continues.)

Book Meme

Here are the rules:
Grab the nearest book. Open the book to page 56. Find the fifth sentence. Post the text of the next two to five sentences in your journal/blog along with these instructions. Don’t dig for your favorite book, the cool book, or the intellectual one: pick the CLOSEST. Tag five other people to do the same.

"She sank slowly into the sofa. Nathan loomed in her inner vision: a stone figure, cemented in complacency. Well, he could afford to be complacent; he'd accomplished something in his life. He was owner of a flourishing surgical practice that had already won him considerable renown both home and in the States. In addition he'd lately begun playing a prominent role in Jewish community affairs. Dr. Nathan Perl was a man to be reckoned with.
While she, Eva saw with sudden and sad clarity, was nothing more than a pretty appendage, a bauble to hang from a dashboard, as her husband sped ever faster along his particular road to fame and achievement.
Good-bye, Nosson..."

This is from Between the Thorns, by Libby Lazewnik. I was looking for some Jewish reading material over Shabbos, and randomly selected this book, which is why it is on my reading table closest to me. It is written in a good style- not so intellectual- but the main plot of the book is that the characters are so stereotypical- they exhibit such perfect examples of certain character traits. In fact, my neighbor's husband banned her from reading it during Shana Rishona (the first year of marriage) due to the fact that almost every couple in it seems to have major Shalom Bayis (marriage) problems.

Eva believes that Nathan is too caught up in his professional world to truly care about her, even when she starts achieving professional renown herself. However, she comes to realize that he was the impetus behind her success- and they both embark together on the struggle to raise their children as Torah Jews.

This is an interesting conundrum. People oftentimes believe that if one spouse has a large profession- the other spouse either has to be demure and meek, or another over-achiever as well. Never does it seem to happen that one spouse supports the other, and vice versa, as both achieve something large- but not over-achieve.

In the Torah- we have a bit of a different viewpoint. Women are catagorized as being an "Aizer K'negdo"- a helpmate against him. Men are taught to respect their wives- give them more honor than themselves. And Rabbi Akiva's famous wife, Rachel- who encouraged her husband to learn Torah when he was a 40 year old ignoramus- and eventually became Rabbi Akiva- is a classic example of how a Torah relationship could work. Rabbi Akiva, after 24 years away studying Torah, comes home, and Rachel throws herself at his feet. His students try to push the 'crazy woman' away, but Rabbi Akiva stops them. He says, "If not for her- I would still be an ignoramus. All my Torah, and all the Torah that you [the students] have learned- all belongs to Rachel, my wife."

Through the Torah point of view- there is no competition- no trying to outdo one another- and none of the other as well- that one spouse should be demure and meek, while the other an over-achiever. There is a balance. R' Avigdor Miller says in his book, Career of Happiness, that a man does end up being the captain of his household, but the wife is still the first mate. And, should be taken seriously as such.

I'm still a newlywed- so I don't know so much. But, I hope to learn and to grow.

Oh, and the second part:
7 random facts about me:
1. I love to read- anything and everything. I used to read law journals, for example, or the encyclopedia. I used to love to sit in Barnes and Noble-and just read, for about 4-6 hrs. at a time.
2. I have a craving for art and beauty. I love collecting items like beautiful embroidery, art (which I also paint myself), small chatchkas- anything that is truly lovely.
3. It's all B4S's fault I started blogging. Go ask her about it.
4. Favorite food? Coffee. Especially iced coffee. Yum.
5. I haven't traveled all over the world- but I would love to. Especially Paris, London, and Venice. Maybe one day....
6. I used to make balloon animals for fun, for neighbor kids and babysitting jobs. Who knew?
7. I could spend all day just looking out at the view of Yerushalyim from my apartment. No matter the weather.