Meeting your Match

"Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match...find me a find, catch me a catch."

Is that what singles are looking for? A catch? A find?

A woman once came to Rebbitzen Esther Jungreis, looking to meet 'the one'. When asked what she was looking for, she answered, "Well, you know Rebbitzen, I'm looking for the big 7. Money, brains, beauty, athletic, a sense of humor, talented, and adventurous." (Or something like that.)

The Rebbitzen responded that her big 7 all equaled 0 if not paired with a good heart. Because that should be number one. Without a good heart, one can't possibly be a good husband or wife, or even a good friend- which is what marriage should start off on.

So, meeting the right one can't be just a matter of finding the best find- like bragging about securing a place in an Ivy League college, a top yeshiva, or a top seminary. It has to be deeper than that- no matter whether or not a mother wants her child to marry a doctor. That doctor may have a prestigious job, but does that guarantee happiness?

When I met Mr. NMF, I was convinced he had a good heart. I had dated people before him, and none responded as kindly or as sensitively towards issues as he did. I saw in him a truly good person, which is something I desperately wanted in a marriage partner.

So search out that good heart- that Lev Tov- and I can almost guarentee you that you'll be happy with your true 'find'.

Speaking of Shidduchim- B4S, Shades of Grey, and FnF have gotten together to create a 'best of the shidduch blogosphere' offline. Feel free to browse through your favorite blogs and pick your favorites! Submit it here!

Blogged Down

Sorry for the lack of posting. I'm in the middle of dealing with some issues relating to school, and as such, I have no time.

Mazel Tov to Jewish Side on her engagement- it's like an epidemic in the Jblogosphere! First, Bas~Melech, Corner Point, Michelle....who's next?

Currently, I have no shidduchim to my track record- I've tried to set people up numerous times. As soon as I got engaged- my thoughts turned to my friends still stuck in the shidduchim rut. And, I ransacked Mr. NMF for any and all friends who might be available. After all, being a guy, he knew of more single guys than I did.

One interesting shidduch I redt was actually suggested by 2 more people, but alas, didn't work out.

I still think of shidduchim every once in a while, but the furthest I've ever gotten with a single shidduch is about five dates. But, it doesn't hurt to continue to try!

It's as hard as splitting the sea, the Gemara says. I used to believe that if a couple would just go out on a date- that deserves a kiddush or l'chaim, at the very least. People are very adverse to even go out with another- due to unusually rigorous checking, or adversity to even date at all.

But that's a topic for another post.

Married and Single

Those are titles used to describe girls, and it represents nothing more or less than their marriageble status. Lately, starting with SD's post on why she loves being single, and culminating with Chanie's post on stereotypes, there has been comments on the differences between the singles and their counterparts. AK hit it on the head: there are even differences in the way the two talk.

I talk to my single friends about everything and anything. How college/grad school is going, how's their work doing, how's the state of the universe, the president, the world, what Obama and Netanyahu are talking about lately, the newest ideas, styles, and fashions.

And, truthfully, I can talk to my married friends about the same things. I even talk to the single ones about dating, marriage, and all that sort of stuff as well. It's hasn't been so long since I left that parsha, so therefore, I still feel like I have some clue of what's going on.

However, there are some things my single friends just can't understand. Like breastfeeding. I mean, come on- how many of my single friends have done that one! Or labor and childbirth. Or the reason I'm up at 4 am. Or vaccinations, child care, dealing with weight loss, working from home, and so on. So Aidel is right. We do talk about different things with different people.

Those singles who say, "Those married people. All they do is talk about their home and their kids. Why can't they be more interesting and talk about other things?"

Marrieds don't only talk about those interesting things- we do. We just have other things on our minds, stuff that the singles just can't relate to. (And frankly, that stuff is interesting too. Anyone who's single know how to cure a clogged milk duct, or what's its scientific cause? Didn't think so.)We've been in the single life, so that means we can talk about that. But singles haven't been in the married life (unless they are divorced)- so they can't talk about those other topics.

Rather than focusing on how married people only talk about being married, why can't the singles realize that they only talk about (or deal with) issues relating to singlehood?

Shidduch Dating Comparisons

As B4S would say- I shouldn't be comparing my dates. (Happily married, thank you very much.) But how about dating systems?

In the US- this might be a typical dating scenario.

Guy went to yeshiva, learnt in Mir in Israel for a while, came back to the US, went to Lakewood, spent some time in the freezer, and then started dating. Girl went to Bais Yaakov, learnt in seminary in Israel or NY, came back to the US, went to Maalot/Touro/Sara Schneirer, and then started dating. Girl usually makes up resume, and Guy gets Girl's name from Shadchan.

Guy checks out Girl first- background, friends, schools, seminaries, personality, family, middos.
Guy says yes. Girl then checks out Guy- background, friends, yeshivos, chavrusas, family, personality, middos. (These character traits are NOT in any specific order- don't read into it so much.) Girl says yes. Shadchun arranges first date- usually in a hotel lobby. If first date goes well- both sides report to Shadchun. Second date is arranged- might be in a hotel lobby again.

This continues- maybe 3 dates in a hotel lobby, 4th and 5th on some kind of activity, 6th, going out to eat and some kind of activity....and so on, giving both parties enough time and dates till they feel ready- until both sets of parents have met Guy and Girl- and then Guy and Girl get engaged. Mazel Tov.

I recently learnt more about a totally different dating system- the dating system in Israel. I knew a bit, from Israeli friends and families- but now I think I've got the system down.

The beginning part is mostly the same, except Guy may be learning in Chevron Yeshiva, or Ponevezh, or something else. Girl went to 13th grade for seminary, in one of the Israeli high schools, and then took classes in school to prepare for a profession, or went to one of Maalot's programs for Israelis. Same checking procedure- sometimes more rigorous, and same Shadchun.

But- major difference.
The dating is much shorter. It seems that for Israelis, the first date is Motzei Shabbos at the Girl's home, where it lasts only about 2 hours. Second date is also at Girl's home. Third date, both parties arrange to meet together at a hotel lobby at a prearranged time (no cars, here, remember?) 4th date also usually ends up at hotel. (I have heard of all 4 being at a hotel, prearranged, if the Girl has nosy siblings or neighbors, or it's more convenient.) By 4th date- Girl and Guy usually know where this is heading. 5th date could happen- possibly an activity- but definitely NO eating out. 6th date- usually by the next Motzei Shabbos- and poof, Guy and Girl are engaged.

More than 2 weeks- too long. Usually, it takes about a week of dating. And no eating out, no activities that are in Israel considered 'pritzus' but that in America, a Guy and Girl might do. Longer than a few hours on the hotel dates- you'll have mothers calling up the Shadchun asking if there was an accident.

It seems totally foreign to me- dating so quickly, limiting times of dates, not eating out, and the fact that you're supposed to know so quickly. But if I end up staying in Israel- this is how my future children may end up dating. And, they'll be raised that way- so it won't be weird to them.

I know some Girls who were totally ambivalent about the Guy they were engaged to. I know some of the Girls who didn't like the Guy till they married them. And that seems so foreign to me...but maybe they needed to be pushed into a commitment, and the Israeli system does that.

So, which one is better? I don't know. Different countries, different rules. But it's interesting making the comparisons.

Disclaimer: I am not Israeli. If I got things wrong- I am truly sorry. And this is only a typical dating scenario- it will definitely not be the same for everyone, or in every area. All mistakes are definitely mine.

Needing Help Distinguishing

In reading Bad4's post on how she continuously gets 'red' (suggested) shidduchim based on her sterling qualities of being different than the norm, (what is normal, anyway?) I started thinking.

I'm constantly being asked to look for shidduchim (as if the fact I have a ring on my finger makes me some kinda expert - um, newlywed, that should say how much experience I have!) and when I try to make a shidduch, the guys ask- what makes this girl different from all the other girls? (I can just hear the Pesach tunes coming, and it's not even Chanukah.)

Is difference good? Or is it bad? How do we make someone stand out without being different, or make some one different seem the norm? I think these labels (kickback to ProfK- and her posts on Terms for Shidduchim- sorry, couldn't link) are starting to get confusing.

In Israel- people have differences. And they are recognized for them. Brisk vrs. Mir, Yashan/Chadash/Sniff/Whatever, neighborhood, hair covering, religious status, kippah covering, you name it- everyone has differences. What's so bad about that? It helps me a ton, in being able to describe people past the general qualities that I believe everyone has- kind, sweet, nice, middos, mentch.....

Labels are horrible- I get that. (Stereotyping, no clear definition, molds....) But what do I do when I get asked that Pesach question again?

How do I describe differences without resorting to labels?
Any comments out there would be much appreciated- for all of my friends who are single, special and different from each other, and for all the guys out there who are single, special, and different from each other.