It Was SUCH a Chavaya

Cue the typical seminary girl's voice, "It was SUCH a chavaya, you have NO idea..."

Interesting. I was once a sem girl, believe it or not, and yes, I did my share of searching for 'chavayot' or 'experiences' that I could write home about. You know the type, like visiting Tzfas and getting followed by someone who thinks he's Mashiach, or heading to Kever Rochel on her yartzheit and getting squished (note to self: I am never doing that again.), or going to the Kotel for Birkat Kohanim and getting squished yet again (note #2: second note #1.) .

But am I, the person I am now, a chavaya? An experience? It seems so.

I hosted two guests for Shabbos that I had no clue who they were. A neighbor, who happens to be one of the sweetest and kindest families I know, offered an invitation to two girls who he never met before in his life, and they took him up on it. So, the neighbor called me to see if I had sleeping space for sem girls, which I did, as my guest room was free.

When I asked them what brought them to my neighborhood, and to that neighbor in general, she responded, "Didn't you go on chavayot when you were in sem?"

Well. It seems I am now 'an experience". Something to write home about. Frankly, I didn't know I, or my neighbors were that interesting. I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered.

Either way, they had a nice time over Shabbos, and I and NBD both have colds/flu. So there you go. I should put out advertising: "Nice guest room available in a family that's a definite chavaya. A must see experience to tell all your friends about when you get back."

Tznius and Perception

Whether it's due to reading 6 Diaries recently, or just having too many conversations with friends on the same topic, I've come to the conclusion that certain areas of tznius are about perception.

Sometimes, someone is on a different level of tznius than others. Sometimes the chumras or ideas that one person takes on are not necessarily fit for another one, at least at a certain time. I know this sounds rather vague, but it has large applications.

For example, when I first arrived in Israel, unmarried, I was accustomed to wearing knee-high black stockings. Then, arriving in some of the charedi and other religious sector areas, I saw the girls wearing nude tights. Not opaque, just skin color. When I saw that I stood out like a red (or in this case, black) thumb, I decided to take upon myself to wear nude tights. When I arrived back in the US, I continued to wear them, and I haven't worn my black stocking since.
Now. Would I say that wearing nude tights is the best thing to do halachically, and everyone should take on this idea? No. For me, was it a good idea? Yes.

This has nothing to do with the Israel versus America debate on whether black or nude should be the appropriate color for women's stockings. (For an in depth analysis on that, see R' Falk's book, Oz V'Hadar Levusha.)

It's all a matter of a person's perception. A matter of what they want out of the mitzva of tznius, and what they are willing to do for themselves, on their level.

Here's another example. When I moved to Israel as a married lady, I was accustomed to wearing my shaitel, as that is what most people do in America. However, when I moved here, I switched to wearing mostly bandannas, tichels, and scarves, because I saw my compatriots do the same. But as I wrote in the comments on that post, there are tznius issues, like covering the hair right around one's temples, that I wasn't sure about. So, I called my rebbitzen, and she basically told me to do what the community does (and to consult R' Falk, who says that hair on the temples doesn't have to be covered).

So, when people look and see one wearing shoes that have closed toe- don't look at the girl as a frummy, and for the girl who covers those toes, don't look at those around you and say they are kofrim (rejectors of the mitzvos). It's all a matter of perspective, and a private perspective at that. That's the meaning of tznius.

Erev Shabbos #21- Guest Shabbos

As you can probably see from the title, I'm having guests for Shabbos. Now, I'm not a newlywed, persay, in the manner that I've never had guests before. I'm used to having guests, no matter the week, and I usually cook for about 5-6, even if it is just me, Mr. NMF and NBD. (We eat the leftovers throughout the week if no one shows up unexpectedly.)

But, when I first got married, I heard about the interesting idea that a young couple should not have another young couple as guests. This was rather intriguing, so I probed more.

It seems that if a young couple hosts, they may end up comparing their spouses to the others at the table, which may be a lack of tznius. It also is slightly uncomfortable- if you are a newlywed, possibly your husband/wife has not had too many conversations with one of the other gender, and may feel slightly uncomfortable chatting freely.

I didn't feel it was such a big deal at first, but there are those who have this sensitivity. So, I didn't end up inviting couples so much in the beginning of my marriage.

Now, since I've been married for a while, and I have a little one, slowly but surely, those couples are coming for meals, including this Shabbos.

It's rather nice, actually- since you usually have a lot in common with people of your own age group and life stage. And, it makes for a very welcome and interesting Shabbos meal.

So, welcome, guests, and I'm so very glad you could make it for Shabbos.
Gut Shabbos everyone!

Spring Cleaning

Alright, halfway done. There, I said it. I know there is about a week till Pesach- but B"H- well on schedule, even with NBD being extremely cute and charming. What can I do? I have to stop and play with her sometimes, I just have to.

So, I decided to play devil's advocate with myself. Why am I cleaning so much?

What makes me decide to Pesach clean every book in the house even though we probably won't read more than 2 of them over Yom Tov?

What causes me to reorganize closets, and shuffle drawers?

I mean, if it was up to a guy- they would say- well, it has to be more than a kezayis, and it has to be edible by a dog, and if it is less than a kezayis we only worry about it if it comes to the table...so.....there, I'm finished, in less than a day.

It seems that Pesach has become a time for me, as well as other women and girls, to obsessively clean, far more than necessary.

I must have hit the roof when I heard, "Well, you could actually use a soup that you cooked before Pesach with your chametz pots on Pesach. Because the little chametz on your pot is batel before Pesach."

I always thought that my countertop had to be left for 24 hours, kashered 3 times with boiling water, and then covered. Now I hear, "Well, if you're going to cover it after all that, then what's
the point?"

So why in heaven's name did Jewish women throughout history obsessively clean?

I think it stems from an old story. There was this Rav, who asked his wife why she was scrubbing the walls and the floors. After all, we don't really eat on our walls, so the possibility of there being more than a kezayis of chametz on the walls is almost nil.
She answered, "If the cleaning was left up to you, we'd have chametz in our house on Pesach."

We clean because we know, that if we clean far more than necessary, the chance of there being chametz in our houses goes down to nil. If we just cleaned what's needed, the risk of finding that pretzel during bedikas chametz, or not finding it at all, goes up astronomically.

So, we clean. We clean and clean, we spring clean and regular clean and Mr. Clean all in one.

So pass me the bleach, okay? Thanks.

EDIT: How do y'all like the new look? Comment please!

The Workforce

As I heard someone mention to me, since the recession and the extreme financial situation that the American public finds itself in, those women who might have stayed at home and never used their degrees that they worked hard to pursue, might have to leave their house and join the workforce.

Some girls, despite the fact that they get their 'degree' (sometimes an easy CLEP degree, or one in a field they never plan to go further in- like Humanities, or Psychology) in order to make their parents happy, or to have something to do, all they really want to do is be a mommy and stay at home with their kids and house.

Is that wrong? I wouldn't advocate it for myself, as I would probably go out of my mind with boredom, but for these women, their home is a full time job- and that is true. Raising one's children can be a full time job, if one dedicates themselves to it wholeheartedly. According to ABC News- a stay at home mom should get paid at least $138,646 per year. The numbers were based upon a mom doing 92 hours of work per week. That's a lot of work!!!

In Israel- it seems that many girls embark on the vocational track of things without a degree, or they use their degree almost as soon as they get it. But there are still some who would gladly stay home full time, but because of the economic situation that their family is in, they feel obligated to help in the support of their home.

How can one balance both home and job? Well-that's a major question, one that many find very hard to answer.
Either you trust your children into the care of a babysitter, which is never a perfect substitute for Mom, or you somehow spend your days dashing from home to work to home again- an exhausting lifestyle.

My own mother, while raising my siblings, found herself subbing in the morning while they had school, studying for her classes while driving them to and from school, and taking care of them till they were asleep, after which she would attend her own grad school at night, and then do the whole day over again. Exhausting- no?

Working at home is sometimes an option- what SecretariesinIsrael tries to do for those in Israel who don't mind burning the midnight oil- literally. They work from 4-12- the American hours. And, there are medical secretaries, proofreaders and editors, and Internet jobs. Computer jobs oftentimes have a work at home option, as does graphic design, bookkeeping, or other alternatives.

The choice comes into play when you look at that child's precious face and say- how can I ever leave? It's a tough choice to make.

Learning Skills

Catching up on my blog reading again- I'm home with some sort of nasty virus (How come I keep picking these things up? It must be the change of season.)

Anyway- Tooyoungtoteach has a great post up on learning Torah for girls.
It's actually a very interesting concept.

I'm not referring to girls learning Gemara, or the famous jokes about a certain seminary who seem to want chavrusas, not husbands (they were actually told at my friend from that seminary's wedding- it seems to be public knowledge.)

I'm talking about opening up a Chumash and learning inside. Or a Navi. Or some Kesuvim, or a mussar sefer- excellent from R' Shimshon Pincus- or Sifsei Chaim, Mesilas Yesharim, Chovos HaLevavos, or one of my personal favorites- Sichos Mussar.

What could be wrong with that? Maybe I'm just blessed in my company- but the women I talk to, and speak to- all seem to be well versed in these subjects, and incorporate them into their daily lives.

Mussar comes into play with child-rearing, with Yiras Hashem and Ahavas Hashem- and it comes into play with my daily life as well!

Plus, I may be very zoche- but my husband enjoys talking with me about such things. Thank
G-d, due to my voracious reading as a youngster, I have a very broad base of Tanach, with many midrashim- allowing me to have some points of reference to what he may bring up from Gemara. It's interesting, applicable- and I gain so much from it! (Thanks, Mr.NMF, if you're reading this.)

I was encouraged in seminary to look up things, question, seek answers, and find them, usually in one of the myriad sefarim that we learnt.

And here in Israel, everyone is knowledgable about Torah- from the bus and cab drivers, to the meshulachim, to the average housewife. It's more common, and more in practice to quote a line from the Sichos Mussar to your neighbor about Gaavah, in reference to a communal incident. (Just an example- fictional.)

Torah just spills out from this city- how could it be wrong for a woman or girl to benefit from this?

Please don't start talking about the controversial subjects mentioned above- but I think, personally, that learning Tanach and Mussar for women is an excellent thing, one I try to do as often as I can. Kudos to all those who do.